You’re likely reading this because something awful has happened to someone very close to you.
It can be really hard for them to talk about what happened – they might be worried about how much you already know and what they will have to explain, they might fear a negative reaction, and they may not want you to associate what happened to them with them. Understandably, survivors often just want to forget and move on with their lives. Telling someone is an important step in moving forwards, but can feel like turning a nightmare into a reality.
Your reaction is incredibly important – it means more because of your closeness, and it will be the start of rebuilding trust that has likely been shattered by this experience.
This conversation is never going to be easy, but we hope the following steps mean you can navigate it in a more informed and compassionate way.
Understand the reality of rape
One of the most important things to do is to know what they are talking about, and understand the complexities they face. It is never as simple as ‘it happened, so I should report to the police.’ We’ve outlined what you should know about rape below.
Create space for the conversation
This could be the most awful thing that has ever happened to them. Respect the importance of this conversation by giving it the privacy and time it needs. In that moment, nothing else matters.
Affirm what they have been through
Don’t jump to conclusions or actions – that can come later. You simply need to affirm and bear witness to what they have been through. It may be hard for them to acknowledge, but affirming that this was not their fault is a powerful and vital message.
Limit your questions
They will share what they want to. If you do need to ask a question, only do it when they are truly finished speaking, consider the phrasing (so as not to imply doubt) and make it clear they don’t need to answer. Think whether the question is helpful for them or because of your own curiosity.
Don’t assume a role
Try to separate the structure and hierarchy of your relationship with them from what they are telling you and ask how they want you to be involved instead of assuming based on your relationship and previous situations.
Don’t try to solve it now
Prepare for your life to be disrupted a bit. See this a bit like a natural disaster – buildings can be knocked down in an instant, and take years to rebuild. This is a journey and it will be a more restorative one through your involvement, but is definitely not one to rush. You are listening to hear rather than listening to solve or advise. A non- judgmental ear can be a pivotal part of their recovery.
This is going to upset you, but it’s not about you. Try not to project your emotions about what happened. Your role is to help them come to a realistic judgment of what happened. Think of yourself as their echo. It’s their decision, their voice. You are amplifying their voice, supporting them so they aren’t alone. You are never shouting anything yourself.
What the world leads us to believe about rape (spoiler: all are false).
Recovery takes place in the context of societal scripts - culture, workplace, education, family and friends. Today, these scripts are false and often put the burden of shame on survivors, instead of empowering them in their recovery. A more informed and compassionate society means we can challenge these myths, and be better allies.
Myth
Reality
It’s the survivor’s fault.
Everyone has the right to wear whatever they want and behave however they want without asking for rape or sexual violence.
False accusations are common.
A man is 230x more likely to be raped himself than falsely accused, and it is far more common for survivors to not report (83%) than for people to falsely accuse.
(Independent, 2019)
If it happened, then they would have reported straight away.
It can take a long time to come to terms with what happened, and disclosing is a huge decision. Reporting is not to be taken lightly and rarely leads to the justice they want and deserve.
It happens in a dark alley way.
86% rapes are by someone that the survivor knows.
(Rape Crisis, 2024)
If they didn’t run away, they wanted it to happen
It’s incredibly common to freeze or not be able to speak – it’s how the body reacts to an abnormal and traumatic situation. Watch Why did I? to learn more.
For parents...
Don’t assume the role of rescuer. It’s all you might want to do, but it takes away their agency
Try to listen from outside the structure of the relationship you have with them. There are implicit hierarchies and power dynamics at play which aren’t necessarily productive in this situation.
For friends...
You may well have friends who have been through something similar – don’t try to relate those experiences. There will be more nuance and difference than you expect and it may mean the survivor feels unheard. If they ask you to share, that’s completely different
You may know the perpetrator, but this conversation isn’t about your relationship with them - it’s something that you can process privately away from the survivor
Don’t be offended if they didn’t initially tell you
For partners...
You may feel angry that this happened, or guilt that it did. They weren’t responsible for what happened, and neither were you. Managing your anger or guilt is another emotional burden that the survivor does not need on their plate.
The nature of your relationship may well change, but it can get back to where it was. You can play a really important role in rebuilding the trust and intimacy that has been shattered.
For siblings...
They are still your brother or sister, and want to be seen in that way. What happened to them hasn’t defined them. One of the most impactful things you can do is show them that you continue to see them in that way, while also making space to speak about it if and when they want to.
Speak to your parents about this as much as you need to